Garage Sale at the US Treasury
I guess you could call the wife and me empty nesters. The kids and our savings have flown the coup and are all gone! At last we are without a car, cane, clue or Congress. Our nest egg evaporated overnight along with our caring about what might happen next. We've discussed it and are selling it all at a garage sale that will take place at 8:00 A.M. sharp the day after Thanksgiving. EVERYTHING MUST GO! We live in a quaint little section of West Des Moines, Iowa where the few neighbors whose homes haven't yet been foreclosed on will welcome you with open arms, sad faces, empty pockets and no way to retire.
We have a lot for sale so come early - the first few bargain beggars will get the lion's share of the U.S. Treasury bullion. Some of the items for sale include: boxes and boxes of lobbyists for Big Pharma that have never been opened and are still in the box; more than one hundred Congressman that look pretty, but for us, have never worked; the entire Cabinet collection that wet their pants on voice command from the President; a talking doll of the President that babbles incoherently and hasn't worked for the better part of eight years; a trunk full of integrity that was packed away in the attic and hasn't been touched, used or seen in almost a decade; we have bins, of more deregulation than you can use in a lifetime; there is a porcelain doll in traditional Alaskan dress that talks, talks and talks without saying anything; and many more smaller items that you'd miss if you weren't reading the fine print. All in all this is the largest U.S. Treasury garage sale you will ever experience. The neighbors think we are bailing out too soon and too many but we are bound and determined to empty our coffers before most American's wake up to the raid on the Treasury. This is a coup d'etat like you've never seen before the election of 2000. It's a raid on the Treasury that will surprise and embarrass even the most ardent socialist. If you have questions I'll be the guy in the straight jacket, the same one used by the Mormons to tie up the gays in California. It's a wonderful shade of ivory and can distract many from the real problems of the world while focusing attention on something that shouldn't matter. As a lawyer I'm planning on having a post gay garage prenuptial divorce sale once the gays figure out what marriage is all about!
We left nothing to the imagination and have opened every box, trunk and suitcase but weren't able to find any truth, integrity or honesty. So don't come to this garage sale looking for those character traits - because they are in short supply; a supply as short as FDA inspectors in a Chinese food processing plant.
On the table to the north we will have a wonderful selection of wall paper scraps. They may look like cheap worthless stock certificates but consider what they used to represent. You'll be the envy of all your guests when they visit the outhouse and you've wall papered the interior with the Martha Stewart Wall Street Toilet Paper Portfolio Collection, sold only at Tear and Throw up, the company that bought Sears and Roebuck. You won't find this collection in any other government treasury!
Oh I almost forget the back sale! In the back yard we have two Lear jets for sale. They have been used sparingly and are from the poorer section of Detroit's finest neighborhoods. They are being sold as-is without guarantee or any promises of the quality. Each jet has obsolescence engineered into the design. These won't last long. Please keep in mind when looking over these rare gems that $10 or $20 million doesn't go as far as it used to.
We have two homes for sale. The first is a large White House with wonderful sunsets - we hear a sunset to die for is coming up in January 2009! Please don't disturb the babbling idiot on the porch. We try to keep him locked away but he has a way of getting out and causing trouble in the hood.
The second home we have for sale is a second home that has hardly been used for anything useful. The large dome was a necessary design feature for the hot air to escape. Once again shown by appointment only as this house is still occupied and we don't want to awaken the sleeping residents who shouldn't be there much longer.
All in all there are billions to be had! So come, be early and get ready to beg, borrow or steal! We accept checks from the local Liars Savings and Loan or from Bankrupt Bank Buyers and Bilkers. Just say you have the money and we are all ears. Begging your pardon, when backing out of the drive way be very careful you don't back over our favorite pet dog Clemency. See you in the hood!